it rained...

About a week ago (July 12, 2007), I heard a devastating news that my half-brother passed away. I was just out from my hospital duty around 10:30pm when I took out my cellphone from my locker and checked my messages. I was speechless with what I read and felt my knees weak. Then like a snap, all of these thoughts came into my head from worrying about my dad because he was his first born son and favorite, ate cheryl (his wife), ate michelle who loves him so dearly and continuously cared for him. Then thoughts about his kidney transplant and how it got rejected and how he was injected with three stages of the most powerful anti-rejection drugs, him undergoing 6++ hours of dialysis and how he hated it, then finally, how his body system became tremendously weak from everything he goes through until his heart just decided to stop. I felt so terrible I couldn't even walk straight. And afternoon of the same day, I even asked my clinical instructor how much a session of hemodialysis costs in Makati Med because my half-sister was planning to transfer him there just in case it costs cheaper than St. Lukes.

I sat down for a few minutes, trying to gather my thoughts then walked towards the car to drive home. Inside the car, I just realized that I left my wallet in my locker and went back to get it. So I drove home and parang nakatulala lang ako. I tried my best to concentrate on the road and good thing Ken-e called and asked how I was. I felt back to reality and hurried away to get home.

I couldn't sleep when I got home. I kept waiting for my dad and mom to arrive from the hospital and did at around past 12mn. He sat down his chair and was crying. All we could was to hug him then tears just fell down my cheeks. I never felt so sad. This was more than losing a friend or a lover. It just felt very, very heavy. So I asked my mom what happened that day while they were at the hospital. She said that my half brother didn't want to sleep because he said that if he did, he might not wake up. He kept favoring those people who came to visit him to hold his hands and just talk to him and say anything just to keep him awake. He also said that the next dialysis session would be his last because he doesn't like undergoing it anymore. Btw, the day before, when the doctors came to see him, he kept yelling at them, cursing and threatening to kill them because he didn't like the feeling that they were giving him and even said he was going to die anyway so why do they have to give him a very hard time. My mom and the others apologized to the doctors in his behalf for the violent behaviours he was giving them. Anyhow, going back to the day, my ninang and also his's, was present everyday for him and she was the one who gives him his bedbath. He already felt so cold according to my ninang but still she kept cleaning him and massaging him. One point that day, my half brother was being frustrated to go to the bathroom to shit because he really didn't like doing it with diapers on. When he was allowed to go, he collapsed and good thing that there were doctors doing their rounds and attended to him. A few hours later, he was brought down to the kidney dialysis room. The nurses said that he already felt cold. Inside the room a few minutes later, doctors came running inside, it was noisy and everyone started to feel uneasy to the point of panicking. One of my half-sisters started to walk away and no one could find her because she was 'lost'. Another half-sister went under a table, covered her ears refusing to hear what ever is going on.

Cardiac arrest. For 7 minutes of cardiac defibrilator and CPR they were able to revive him. Around 25 minutes of critical pulse monitoring, came a flat line. He was dead. Thinking about that and comparing to how I take care of my bedridden to comatose patients inside the ward, I was glad he went straight to heaven than enduring to see him bedridden with all those contraptions and machines connected to him with no assurance that he would ever live to see, feel, hear and care those who love him and him feeling that he is being cared of and loved. In my opinion, I wouldn't want to see my kuya bedridden, lifeless.

The wake lasted for almost a week until his birthday in which he turned 39 if he was still here. Everyone from his family and friends celebrated his birthday last July 18, 2007. He could have been very happy. He was supposed to be buried that day but it was moved on the 19th because they waited for his friends from New Zealand to arrive.

At the same time, my two other half sisters came over to the Philippines from Singapore because I believe my dad wanted them to see their dead brother before he leaves us permanently. I already knew about them about a year ago when dad mentioned their names and how they searched for my dad according to my eldest half sister by going to his former restaurant along roxas boulevard which is now my half brother's night club. Anyhow, this was the first time I actually saw them. Penny, ate mia, my little brothers and parents saw them last year to attend Ate Teena's muslim wedding. I have an indian brother-in-law now! He's very nice. :)

So while they were here, we took them to tagaytay and around the metro because they loved to shop and according to them, it was cheap here compaired to singapore. They were so cute and fun to be around with and we actually get along so well. I'm going to miss them and they're coming back this christmas! yehey!

Burial day...

I attended school in the morning so my mom made me bring the car so I could go straight to Manila Memorial Park. After my 12pm class, I took my clothes with me, changed into them, fixed my face and put on some eye make-up and blush so I won't look pale. I arrived almost 3pm and had a hard time finding a parking space because there were just so full of cars but found one anyway. I hurried inside the chapel and took a seat next to leoboy. The mass was over and they were already saying their last speeches to my kuya when I arrived. Most of them touched me and everyone else and I just couldn't stop crying. When it was over and it was time to transfer the coffin to the Baluyut Mosileo(?), I hurried off to see him before they closed the casket. It felt so hard. I never realized it was this heavy to accept losing a loved one.

Droplets of rain started to come down when he was taken out from the chapel so we hurried towards the cars to the burial site. It started to rain more. I was able to park a couple of blocks away, took my umbrella and hurried off. My shoes were all mudded but I didn't care because I wanted to be there for him until the last minute. Most of the people crowded inside the tents because the rain was pouring hard but I managed to get near the coffin. Everyone at this time was crying and saying goodbye. I went near more to my kuya, held him and said goodbye.

His coffin was officially sealed. They carried him to this space they prepared and sealed it off with cement. We still followed, ignoring the rain that was pouring on top of us. He was finally sealed.

The rain stopped for a bit, the sky cleared up and the sun was shining. The balloons that they prepared were green because my kuya loved green and the fact that he was a very dedicated la sallian. ANIMO LA SALLE FOREVER! We counted from 1 - 10, released the balloons and watched them soar up high in the sky. :)

There was catered food for all of the guests. As I was waiting in line, the rain started to pour again so I wasn't able to get any food because I didn't want to eat standing up and the tents were once again crowded. An hour later, three of us sisters decided to stay inside the cars for shelter. It was a good decision because the rain was becoming really heavy. I told them how gloomy the day was because for an occassion as this, the ambience felt complete. It was so emo. I remembered the music video of 'Helena' by My Chemical Romance. It was almost like that except that not everyone had a black umbrella. Heh. My dad even said, "masyadong naparamdam kuya mo", then smiled. He's in a happy place now together with his mom. :)

The day ended when we left the cemetery and my parents drove my half sisters to the airport for their flight back to singapore and I went home. See you soon sisters! :)

I got home crashing towards my bed and realized that I was sleeping almost half of the day when I suddenly woke up around 2am. heh.

Long entry, huh?

See you soon, kuya! We'll watch the UAAP's for you.

ANIMO LA SALLE FOREVER! :D